my psychologist: “I don’t think you’ve got depression. I think you just ruminate far too much.”

me: “I’m a ruminant? I’m a ruminant! I’m like a cow!”

my psychologist: “Yes, exactly. Or a goat … “

we fought your wars with all our hearts
you sent us back in body parts
you took our wills with the truth you stole
we offer prayers for your long lost soul

…

there is no flag that is large enough
to hide the shame of a man in cuffs
you switched your signs then you closed the blinds
you changed the channels and you changed our minds

so, why am i awake at 1am when i’m supposed to be getting up to go to work at 6am?

this is a common thing. i always forget about it, and am taken by surprise when it happens, but then i remember “oh yes … tomorrow’s a “special day” of some sort”. tomorrow i go back to work.

when i was young, i could never sleep the night before school went back. and even now, any night beforethe day  i am returning to work, i find myself completely unable to power down.

i suspect it is a mixture of trepidation and an out-of-sorts sleeping pattern. the sleeping i should know better by now (but i am a complete idiot), and the trepidation just makes no sense, but here we are. strange days, me not making sense, after all.

and because i worry about not being able to go to sleep, that exacerbates the situation, of course.

*sigh*

due to my inability to control my own alcohol intake and the resultant embarrassing situations i find myself in, i have declared 2010 a booze free year for me.

i prefer not to think of it as a NY resolution per se, just coincidental and convenient timing.

i drank too much at the family gathering for Christmas- resulted in much crying (me) and screaming over the coffee table (my brother and me) about things we can’t change.

i drank too much on NYE - most of the evening’s gone, and bits i do remember i either wish i didn’t, or they’re so vague it’s like they happened to someone else. being violently ill, yep, that’s one of the former.

my mum asked me surely at 29, i’m a bit old for binge drinking? and i thought it strange, because most people i know binge drink. it’s a cultural thing.

and i don’t imagine it will feel awesome when i’m in one of those situations where i always relied on drinking to get through in the past. but nevertheless, i gave up chocolate - i can give up alcohol.

i got into aggrotech a bit more this year (thanks to emusic, we recently discovered bands Grendel and Psyclon Nine, and a new album from Wumpscut!)

and i got really into some bands / songs that we’ve had for ages, but i’d just never taken the time to really listen to

and i went to see NIN in concert in March which meant i listened to NIN way more than usual

and Patrick Swayze died, so i listened to his song heaps ’cause i’m really lame :)

so my soundtrack for 2009* is as follows:

Pop Will Eat Itself - Wake Up, Time To Die
Chemlab - Force Quit
Grendel - Zombienation (v2k5)
Public Enemy w/ Anthrax - Bring The Noise
Root! - Home?
Chemlab - Codeine, Glue and You
Papa Roach - Blood Brothers
the Dismemberment Plan - I Love a Magician
Grendel - Soilbleed (v3)
NIN - Terrible Lie
Chemlab - Queen of Despair (Ode to the Diode)
Psyclon Nine - INRI
Machines of Loving Grace - Albert Speer
She Wants Revenge - Love to Sleep
Negativland -  Aluminum or Glass : the Memo
David Bowie - Life on Mars?
Skinny Puppy - Worlock (Rhys Fulber remix)
Apoptygma Berzerk - In This Together
Patrick Swayze - She’s Like The Wind
NIN - Reptile

* now with mouseovers over the song names with some of my favourite lyrics and samples!