i was cleaning up and goddamnit … i just found your letter again.

i wish i could bring myself to burn it, or even just throw it out, but i can’t. it’s like if i get rid of it, maybe i won’t remember what you did, and maybe i’ll let you in to do it all over again. maybe i won’t remember to learn my lesson.

(more…)

One day, back when things were going so well, you made a decision that you thought she really understood, but then years later, she revealed how upset she was about the path you took.

“Well, it’s not like I was really a bridesmaid for you anyway!”

Further down the track, the realisation hits you like a blinding flash of light that how you feel about her might not actually be the same way she feels about you, a fact you always feared but she always denied.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry I was late. My connecting train was late, and then I had to wait ages for a taxi from the train station … ”

“That’s okay! I didn’t even notice you weren’t here until after the ceremony!”

You feel your guts twist into knots as you finally see the signs of a relationship that is slipping through your fingers. You’re convinced you can actually physically feel the love between you fading, and you just stand there stupidly and watch her walk away from you, all the while blowing bubbles from a novelty shaped container that a year and one month later you still can’t bring yourself to throw away.

You start to miss those defenses she helped you break down years ago, the defenses created by abandonment and neglect, and fed by bitterness and a general lack of self esteem.

And you are utterly paralysed by the thought that maybe she’s not unaware that she’s pushing you away …

… and maybe you deserve it.

*

* not mine.

she emails me, she tells me she wishes we were as close as we used to be, tells me she loves me, she misses me and she’s been thinking of me.

but she never tells me that she’s sorry.

subtitled: a monologue about blame

i have spent a good deal of my life blaming. i am totally a blamer. whether it’s other people, circumstances or myself, i blame everything on something. it’s something i am “working on” changing, but it’s something that i find very difficult to change.

i rationally feel that i shouldn’t blame anything or anyone. i feel i should just accept things are as they are and move on. but i do blame. and i do it constantly.

i blame myself and my family for my emotional issues. the biggest recurring themes are a perceived lack of strength of character, a tendancy towards being a nutcase, and an unwillingness to rise above the victim mentality. but i know feeling like this is unfair of me …  i don’t know what it’s like to have been anyone but me and i barely have a handle on that, so how can i even begin to stand in judgement of others? and yet, my feelings betray what my mind tells me is right, and i get caught up in the associated guilt and emotional whirlwind that creates.

see, i figure it matters cos if i know why i do stuff, maybe i can change the things i don’t like. maybe i can put things away when i am finished with them, or maybe i can force myself to do something productive when all i feel like doing is moping and sooking, and maybe i can stop stuffing myself with food or biting my nails or otherwise mutilating myself to ease the pain i feel inside. but i know it shouldn’t turn into blame because blame gets me nowhere. blaming something other than me makes it “not my fault” and blaming myself just makes me wallow and be miserable, and both end up with me not being productive about my issues.

people always tell me that knowing what my demons are is the first step - apparently, at least i know what the issues are, so i can work towards fixing them. but i can’t help but wonder if some of that old blissful ignorance wouldn’t be better sometimes. maybe if i didn’t know or didn’t suspect or didn’t believe all these crazy things, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

then other times i just think i should’ve been a llama.

did you expect that i would repent, call you, sobbing because of your pain? or did you expect me to shrug it off and walk away, uncaring, angry and feeling it was deserved?

of course it hurts. but it’s not my pain.

its not my fault. i know its not my fault, i know you’re not my responsibility, i know you’re hurting and i wish you weren’t. but its not my fault and it’s not my pain. i didn’t do this to you. the only one you should be pointing fingers at is yourself. what do you expect from me? you can’t have things back the way they were, not when i know the truth now. walk away and don’t look back, i’m tired of your games and manipulation.

i can’t think of anything else, i close my eyes and you’re all i see, lying prostrate on the floor, thrashing, strapped in, just to spite me. pick yourself up goddamit, dust yourself off, and close the fucking door, no one else can fix you when you won’t fix yourself.

it’s not me and i’m not you.

i’m not you and you have no rights to my heart. you say the words, i give in, and you hold it in your hand, then you squash it everytime, and it’s not fair, and i won’t let you anymore. you make me flounder, you make me sink, and you never save me. i’m not yours to break and i never was. stop trying to manipulate me into destroying myself to save you.

what kind of person are you anyway? what do you see when you look in the mirror? do you see the red, the fire that i see? or do you see the halo i used to imagine was there? do you know that you are the one, the one that has allowed me to blame it on me, on my ways, on my ineptitude? the one who should’ve taught me better? do you care? you betray me with your every breath. my heart was in pieces at the foot of your altar, and you stepped on it as you walked towards your self-appointed throne. keep it. i don’t want any of it. i don’t want your blood money, your hatred in my veins, your lies in my head, your pain in my heart.

you are the serpent and the betrayer, and i am the disregarded spawn. i feel your hand on my head, pushing me down, and my arms get stronger as i’m pushing to get up. the fight rages on inside my heart. how can you try to put this back on me? how can you tell me with a straight face that you love me? how can you even exist when you have no heart?