my psychologist: “I don’t think you’ve got depression. I think you just ruminate far too much.”

me: “I’m a ruminant? I’m a ruminant! I’m like a cow!”

my psychologist: “Yes, exactly. Or a goat … “

One day, back when things were going so well, you made a decision that you thought she really understood, but then years later, she revealed how upset she was about the path you took.

“Well, it’s not like I was really a bridesmaid for you anyway!”

Further down the track, the realisation hits you like a blinding flash of light that how you feel about her might not actually be the same way she feels about you, a fact you always feared but she always denied.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry I was late. My connecting train was late, and then I had to wait ages for a taxi from the train station … ”

“That’s okay! I didn’t even notice you weren’t here until after the ceremony!”

You feel your guts twist into knots as you finally see the signs of a relationship that is slipping through your fingers. You’re convinced you can actually physically feel the love between you fading, and you just stand there stupidly and watch her walk away from you, all the while blowing bubbles from a novelty shaped container that a year and one month later you still can’t bring yourself to throw away.

You start to miss those defenses she helped you break down years ago, the defenses created by abandonment and neglect, and fed by bitterness and a general lack of self esteem.

And you are utterly paralysed by the thought that maybe she’s not unaware that she’s pushing you away …

… and maybe you deserve it.

*

* not mine.

“People still hang around me, so being this weird can’t be all bad … right?”

” … It’s like watching Seinfeld. People don’t watch Seinfeld because they like those people - they watch it so they can laugh at those people.”