sometimes, it is hard to stay positive about losing weight.

it’s not like i am not having success … on the contrary, i have lost 10 kgs in 3 months …

but i’m fairly overweight, so i still have so much more to lose to be not overweight anymore.

and losing weight is hard.

i know this is the price i pay for not looking after myself in the first place - that if i’d showed some restraint previously, i would not have to forgo so much right now - but that doesn’t make it easier to remember why i’m doing this, when it feels like i’m constantly digging a hole in dry sand.

dieting is hard. it’s nigh impossible when you’re not seeing results, but it’s still hard even when you are when you’ve got this much ground to cover.

i’ve completely changed what i’m eating and i’ve lost 10 kilos and that’s fantastic and i’m proud and pleased and all … but at the end of the day, i’m still fat.

and i don’t want to be fat.

i guess it’s a patience and a persistence thing. *sigh* i mean, i’m not saying i’m gonna give up. just that i don’t like it.

and when people congratulate me on losing weight, i feel bad coz i wish they were congratulating me because i’d lost more. and then i feel bad that i feel bad, and my god, that’s a cycle that just never ends.

* title from ‘i don’t need the city’ by neuroticfish *

i bit the inside of my lip during my sleep last night. i don’t know how or why, but it’s somewhat annoying, but thankfully not too painful.

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there’s a whole bunch of console games coming out soon - the husband and i had to discuss pros and cons of each and come up with a short list. so far, confirmed want-to-buys include : Uncharted 2, Bioshock 2, and Batman. plus the beloved is going to get the UFC game, but I’m not interesting in that and am even less interested in going halfies, so that’s all up to him.

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got our WoW characters up to level cap the other day, me for the first time ever. we’ve been raiding at every given opportunity since, and i am having so much fun. just being able to get together online with 9 other people i enjoy chatting to and playing WoW with, and then chatting and playing WoW - it’s just tops. i know lots of people don’t understand it, but that doesn’t worry me - because i sure don’t get a lot of things that other people do, so it all comes out in the wash.

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went to our friends’ place for dinner the other night which was so much fun. with work and stress, we haven’t been doing much socially of late, and it was so great to be able to catch up with our peeps, eat yummy home cooked food and have a few laughs.

with considerations to the diet, i drank too much beer and probably should’ve passed on the icecream dessert, but the whole thing was awesomely awesome, so i’ve not got too much guilt.

biggest hurdles i’m having with dieting at the moment are :

bread - i want it more often than not. it’s not that we’re avoiding bread generally, just if it’s not necessary. but i want it all the time. particularly soft fresh warm white rolls with melty butter on them.

drinking enough water - i don’t like drinking water. it bothers me. but i’m trying to get past it. some days i’m getting to 2 litres, but usually not. water has so many pluses, not least of all that it gets rid of toxins from bad things eaten, and makes you not eat as much by satisfying that hunger / thirst response, and i know all this but i still have trouble. it’s just so … boring.

and in case you’re wondering, yes, that is something that reminds me in no uncertain terms that i am a spoilt, middle-class white bitch. i’m working on that too.

my whole life is a work in progress.

title from For Whom The Bell Tolls by Metallica

i think my diet’s going well. generally speaking.

i’m feeling much better, physically and mentally, and i think i’ve lost 7 kilos or so. [it's hard to know exactly, cos my weight fluctuates a lot, and i'm scared of not having lost enough (even though i keep reminding myself it's not about being skinny) so i don't weigh myself regularly enough].

but my most recently purchased pants are hanging off me, and i can get into clothes i couldn’t a couple of months ago, so that gives me confidence, and furthers my determination not to eat bad food cos i don’t want to be a fatty boombalatty.

saturday night, we had a friend come over for dinner and PS3. it was so much fun. i drank too much and spent sunday feeling a bit worse for wear. and we had desserts - between us we shared a baby cheesecake, a lemon crisp slice, a baby lemon and lime tart and a baby strawberry flan. so yummy!

but … now i’m craving sugar again.  i’m finding that’s a significant downside to partaking in the desserts - having to be that much stronger in the days thereafter. but i think it’s worth it sometimes, and it helps me feel like less of a retard if i can enjoy treats every now and then.

ooh, and you know what else makes dieting hard? having a cheesecake shop around the corner from where i work. the smell wafts around, and it’s just beautiful. but then again, more often these days,  i’m starting to appreciate smells without the overwhelming desire to have taste, so i’m pretty happy with that.

it is criminal how much chocolate people have given us since i swore off it. and because my husband is also eating so much better now, i can’t just palm it all off on to him. so … i’m ashamed to admit it … we’ve been throwing it out. well … my husband’s been throwing it out. i had trouble throwing out a Cadbury Creme Egg, let alone 6 Easter Rabbits, and 2 boxes of Lindt assorted.

one of the most confronting things i’ve experienced is listening to the excuses people make so they feel better about what they eat when it comes up in conversation that i’m dieting. it just reminds me of every single time i have listened to my “shoulder devil”, and eaten things i knew i shouldn’t. so i try not to talk about it unless i have to. particularly with family.

title from An All American National Sport by Carter USM