i dreamt about you again last night.

you were a space-travelling superhero.

you told me all about transitional star systems, and why they created an effect similar to black holes.

we were going to save the world.

but i woke up.

Spent the long weekend moving house. As of tomorrow, the triangular flat of many corners is no longer our responsibility.

The new place is great. There’s more space, a balcony we can actually use for entertaining, and an en suite (which I cannot actually decide why it’s nice to have but it just is).

Matters of the heart are usually better left buried
in the recesses of one’s subconscious but they always
make themselves known in the middle of supermarkets
or cafes. Unwanted and unwelcome longing.

“Such imagination seems to help the feelings slide”

Today I got confused again about something that happened - was it a dream, or just the other day? Turned out it was a dream. Dammit. This has to stop. You know it’s true.

The call and the buzz; it never ends.
They all want something, but it’s not for them to decide.
It’s not up to them. It’s never up to us.
It comes and it goes and it’s fleeting and you’re dying,
one day at a time. One day closer to being alone.
One day closer to reverting. Only this time, knowing
the taste of what could’ve been. Your insides are
screaming with the loss.
The outside shrugs and carries on.

How come people can’t leave me be? Why do people have to tell me things like “how much prettier” I would be if I didn’t wear so much black?

I guess people honestly think they’ll be making some sort of positive difference in my life by imparting this bit of wisdom to me. But I don’t want to be like them. I’m not interested in being anything but me. So I think the best person to be making decisions about my life is me.

“Over-saturation curls the skin and tans the hide”

My brother told me I was selfish for not wanting children (a sentiment my father also shares). I asked him what was so un-selfish about having children. He didn’t have an answer. It’s not that I disagree that I’m being selfish. But I don’t understand why that would be exclusive to childless people. And I don’t understand why doing something because it makes you happy, that doesn’t hurt anyone else, is a bad thing.

“I’m unclean, a libertine, and every time you vent your spleen, I seem to lose the power of speech … you’re slipping slowly from my reach. You grow me like an evergreen, you never see the lonely me at all”

I attract all sorts for various reasons.
They come and see me and pull at my hair and poke
at my sides and laugh at my nervous ticks. And what do
I have to show for it? Not you. When you’re all I could
want for, that I don’t currently have.

The best thing about going to work really early is how the world is at 5am. I have always loved the night time. But the night time can bring scary things like creepy men. And late at night, the world is still dirty from the day that has just ended, like before you’ve showered after a long day at work. But first thing in the morning, when it’s still dark, there’s hardly anyone around, and those who are around have agendas that don’t involve you, and everything is waking up and rolling over and rubbing its eyes dozily. And the air is fresh, not thick with the putridness of a day that ended prematurely. It’s my favourite time of day. It’s just a shame I hate getting out of bed so much.

And I really do. I hate the transition from asleep to awake. It’s horrific. Particularly when it’s not natural. It’s like being ripped from the womb.

My life is a melodrama in several acts with no intermission.

Sometimes I wonder how I will die. But it’s like a Secret Santa … it’s better not knowing.

You are the ones you love …
wherever they are …
whenever they are.

“Without you, I’m nothing”

I often have these dreams where I’m

a) running late for work or school; or
b) running late and unable to find my schedule / timetable; or
c) travelling on some sort of public transport (train / bus / aeroplane) and arriving without something important, such as notes for the meeting / homework

I’m seeing a common theme here.

I wonder what it means .. you know, besides the fact that I’m a chronic worrier.

Hmmm, that’s probably it.

sometimes i have dreams that people are mean to me, specifically friends or family. this is pretty much my definition of a nightmare. i wake up really upset after i have had a nightmare, and then for the rest of the day i have a grouchiness that i just can’t shake.

i can sleep it off however, if given the opportunity.

thus i have come to the conclusion that sleep for me is like when you reset a computer.

all day i have been running sluggishly and my applications have been freezing randomly.

i need a reset.

i’ve been having so many dreams. waaah. it’s unfortunate. and annoying. mainly because i get confused about what’s real and what’s not when i remember things later. there are some things i know for sure didn’t happen [like pashing a rock star or something] and then others i don’t [getting an email from a friend telling me some sort of interesting news]. it’s very confusing.

the weather today has been utterly amazing. the wind blew so hard at one point that coupled with my incredible inability to balance, i fell into a street sign pole. luckily there was no one around to witness my embarrassment, unlike the day i was playing with my pda and walked forehead first into the same sort of pole on the other side of the same street. there was this guy there, who laughed at me. but i laughed too because it _was_ funny.

anyway, so its raining heaps and heaps, and the wind is almost blowing the trees all over. luckily this means most people stay inside and don’t go to shops. happy days!

i ordered a decaf before from Gloria Jeans, and i got a coffee, but i think it wasn’t decaf. i have a caffeine headache - does anyone else get those? it’s really off putting. i’m super energised, but really tired at the same time, and there is a dull ache behind my eyes, sort of near my temples.

i have to go now, bye.