she emails me, she tells me she wishes we were as close as we used to be, tells me she loves me, she misses me and she’s been thinking of me.

but she never tells me that she’s sorry.

subtitled: a monologue about blame

i have spent a good deal of my life blaming. i am totally a blamer. whether it’s other people, circumstances or myself, i blame everything on something. it’s something i am “working on” changing, but it’s something that i find very difficult to change.

i rationally feel that i shouldn’t blame anything or anyone. i feel i should just accept things are as they are and move on. but i do blame. and i do it constantly.

i blame myself and my family for my emotional issues. the biggest recurring themes are a perceived lack of strength of character, a tendancy towards being a nutcase, and an unwillingness to rise above the victim mentality. but i know feeling like this is unfair of me …  i don’t know what it’s like to have been anyone but me and i barely have a handle on that, so how can i even begin to stand in judgement of others? and yet, my feelings betray what my mind tells me is right, and i get caught up in the associated guilt and emotional whirlwind that creates.

see, i figure it matters cos if i know why i do stuff, maybe i can change the things i don’t like. maybe i can put things away when i am finished with them, or maybe i can force myself to do something productive when all i feel like doing is moping and sooking, and maybe i can stop stuffing myself with food or biting my nails or otherwise mutilating myself to ease the pain i feel inside. but i know it shouldn’t turn into blame because blame gets me nowhere. blaming something other than me makes it “not my fault” and blaming myself just makes me wallow and be miserable, and both end up with me not being productive about my issues.

people always tell me that knowing what my demons are is the first step - apparently, at least i know what the issues are, so i can work towards fixing them. but i can’t help but wonder if some of that old blissful ignorance wouldn’t be better sometimes. maybe if i didn’t know or didn’t suspect or didn’t believe all these crazy things, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.

then other times i just think i should’ve been a llama.

i’m tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
i don’t know what you’re expecting of me
put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow …
every step that i take is another mistake to you

i’ve become so numb
i can’t feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
i’m becoming this
all i want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

can’t you see that you’re smothering me
holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought i would be
has fallen apart right in front of you

caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow …
every step that i take is another mistake to you
caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow …
and every second i waste is more than i can take

and i know i may end up failing too
but i know you were just like me
with someone disappointed in you

i havent posted for a while, because generally speaking, it takes too long. because i’m me.

but here i am now, and hopefully this post will actually not just remain a draft that eventually becomes no longer relevant that i end up deleting, like so many of its fallen brethren.

–

i’m playing Warhammer and i’m loving it. i felt this way about Warcraft once. it’s exciting and brings some fantastic fresh ideas to the mmo genre, and even if i didn’t enjoy it, i’d be glad something’s finally giving Blizzard a run for their money. there’s only so long you can have market domination before you start slacking off, imo.

there’s a huge amount of games coming out on console over the next month or so. so far, Saints Row 2 has been one we decided couldn’t be passed up. actually, he decided and i agreed to try it - i’m glad i did, because i’m really digging it. i really love how games are becoming more like movies, but better. interactive entertainment for the win!

–

i can’t stop listening to She Wants Revenge. maybe it’s the whole “killing me softly” thing, but I just can’t stop listening, no matter what. and it’s kinda cool, because i never expected to fall for another band again.

–

we had discussions about our relationship, and things have come to a head. she told me she wasn’t going to change the way she behaves, so working from a cost-benefit point of view, i told her that she can’t be part of my life the way she wants anymore. it’s a basic relationship breakdown. and unfortunately who she is to me doesn’t fix or forgive anything. i know i’ve hurt her, and i am truly regretful for that, but you can’t treat people anyway you want, ignoring their protests, without something breaking down.

–

my brother called me a bleeding heart today. too much of a soft spot, he said. a bit of a pansy, he said. he could be right.

p.s: happy birthday for yesterday, jack. i love you.