One day, back when things were going so well, you made a decision that you thought she really understood, but then years later, she revealed how upset she was about the path you took.

“Well, it’s not like I was really a bridesmaid for you anyway!”

Further down the track, the realisation hits you like a blinding flash of light that how you feel about her might not actually be the same way she feels about you, a fact you always feared but she always denied.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry I was late. My connecting train was late, and then I had to wait ages for a taxi from the train station … ”

“That’s okay! I didn’t even notice you weren’t here until after the ceremony!”

You feel your guts twist into knots as you finally see the signs of a relationship that is slipping through your fingers. You’re convinced you can actually physically feel the love between you fading, and you just stand there stupidly and watch her walk away from you, all the while blowing bubbles from a novelty shaped container that a year and one month later you still can’t bring yourself to throw away.

You start to miss those defenses she helped you break down years ago, the defenses created by abandonment and neglect, and fed by bitterness and a general lack of self esteem.

And you are utterly paralysed by the thought that maybe she’s not unaware that she’s pushing you away …

… and maybe you deserve it.

*

* not mine.

i bit the inside of my lip during my sleep last night. i don’t know how or why, but it’s somewhat annoying, but thankfully not too painful.

–

there’s a whole bunch of console games coming out soon - the husband and i had to discuss pros and cons of each and come up with a short list. so far, confirmed want-to-buys include : Uncharted 2, Bioshock 2, and Batman. plus the beloved is going to get the UFC game, but I’m not interesting in that and am even less interested in going halfies, so that’s all up to him.

–

got our WoW characters up to level cap the other day, me for the first time ever. we’ve been raiding at every given opportunity since, and i am having so much fun. just being able to get together online with 9 other people i enjoy chatting to and playing WoW with, and then chatting and playing WoW - it’s just tops. i know lots of people don’t understand it, but that doesn’t worry me - because i sure don’t get a lot of things that other people do, so it all comes out in the wash.

–

went to our friends’ place for dinner the other night which was so much fun. with work and stress, we haven’t been doing much socially of late, and it was so great to be able to catch up with our peeps, eat yummy home cooked food and have a few laughs.

with considerations to the diet, i drank too much beer and probably should’ve passed on the icecream dessert, but the whole thing was awesomely awesome, so i’ve not got too much guilt.

biggest hurdles i’m having with dieting at the moment are :

bread - i want it more often than not. it’s not that we’re avoiding bread generally, just if it’s not necessary. but i want it all the time. particularly soft fresh warm white rolls with melty butter on them.

drinking enough water - i don’t like drinking water. it bothers me. but i’m trying to get past it. some days i’m getting to 2 litres, but usually not. water has so many pluses, not least of all that it gets rid of toxins from bad things eaten, and makes you not eat as much by satisfying that hunger / thirst response, and i know all this but i still have trouble. it’s just so … boring.

and in case you’re wondering, yes, that is something that reminds me in no uncertain terms that i am a spoilt, middle-class white bitch. i’m working on that too.

my whole life is a work in progress.

title from For Whom The Bell Tolls by Metallica

Well, today marks the end of our holidays and our return to work tomorrow. I am a little grumpy, the same way most people are, I think, before they have to go back to work, even though I know it will all be good when we get there, and that I will even enjoy myself because I actually like my job.

What I will miss about holidays: sleeping in, getting up late, playing console games all day, and being able to hang out with friends at the drop of a hat. What I won’t miss about holidays: that vague feeling I always get that I should be doing something more useful, not appreciating my time off enough, having a proper schedule again, and getting enough sleep (usually).

These holidays have been particularly fun-filled because Steve + Alex + the most beautiful baby in the world, Emilia, have been visiting. And we bought ourselves a PS3!

(more…)

i’m feeling well and truly sorry for myself. my tummy is sore, i’ve got a headache and i’m miserable. but i’m blogging from bed using my lifedrive so things could be worse, i guess.

k + i just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary yesterday. on one hand, it seems like it couldn’t possibly be that long, and yet it feels like we’ve known each other forever. i guess that’s just how this whole thing works.

S+A just became S+A+E with the arrival of their new bubba, Emilia. How very exciting!

Relatedly, I smsed a girl I went to tafe with to tell her when Emilia was born - her name is Emily so I was able to use it as an excuse to say hello. We’re meeting up for coffee next week, which is excellent. Emily is great. She and I drifted apart after tafe but I still consider her a friend and one of the nicest people I’ve ever known. So naturally I’m very pleased to be catching up with her.

Anyway, back to my point - big congratulations for S+A on the arrival of their little girl. Wish the world wasn’t so big.

Got a long weekend coming up. I have plans for not getting dressed at all on Monday and totally vegging out. Fingers crossed.

after getting all well and truly wrapped up in self-pity over not having my birthday acknowledged as i thought i deserved … as kurt helped me articulate, guess who feels like a douche bag now?

not only did i forget one of our friend’s birthdays whose is just before mine [happy birthday evelyn :)], the friend who i thought blanked me didn’t, she just forgot. turns out she’s got some stuff going on in her own life that might seem a little more important than a school friend’s birthday. ahem.

… sometimes i think that i have come so far from being a spoilt little brat as a kid, and then sometimes i realise that perhaps i haven’t come as far as i would like to think.

to sum up, i had a fantastic birthday, and the only disappointing thing about it turned out to be how i allowed myself to get caught up in childish tantrums about not being appreciated enough.

anyway, thanks to everyone who sent me birthday wishes. you guys rock, and i love you all.

xxxx

ps: a special acknowledgment has to go out for a friend who i caught up with at apop who gave me a cute zorro beanie baby bear. i don’t even know if he remembered it was my birthday or not, he just gave me a bear, and it’s very cute :)