sometimes, it is hard to stay positive about losing weight.

it’s not like i am not having success … on the contrary, i have lost 10 kgs in 3 months …

but i’m fairly overweight, so i still have so much more to lose to be not overweight anymore.

and losing weight is hard.

i know this is the price i pay for not looking after myself in the first place - that if i’d showed some restraint previously, i would not have to forgo so much right now - but that doesn’t make it easier to remember why i’m doing this, when it feels like i’m constantly digging a hole in dry sand.

dieting is hard. it’s nigh impossible when you’re not seeing results, but it’s still hard even when you are when you’ve got this much ground to cover.

i’ve completely changed what i’m eating and i’ve lost 10 kilos and that’s fantastic and i’m proud and pleased and all … but at the end of the day, i’m still fat.

and i don’t want to be fat.

i guess it’s a patience and a persistence thing. *sigh* i mean, i’m not saying i’m gonna give up. just that i don’t like it.

and when people congratulate me on losing weight, i feel bad coz i wish they were congratulating me because i’d lost more. and then i feel bad that i feel bad, and my god, that’s a cycle that just never ends.

* title from ‘i don’t need the city’ by neuroticfish *

due to my inability to control my own alcohol intake and the resultant embarrassing situations i find myself in, i have declared 2010 a booze free year for me.

i prefer not to think of it as a NY resolution per se, just coincidental and convenient timing.

i drank too much at the family gathering for Christmas- resulted in much crying (me) and screaming over the coffee table (my brother and me) about things we can’t change.

i drank too much on NYE - most of the evening’s gone, and bits i do remember i either wish i didn’t, or they’re so vague it’s like they happened to someone else. being violently ill, yep, that’s one of the former.

my mum asked me surely at 29, i’m a bit old for binge drinking? and i thought it strange, because most people i know binge drink. it’s a cultural thing.

and i don’t imagine it will feel awesome when i’m in one of those situations where i always relied on drinking to get through in the past. but nevertheless, i gave up chocolate - i can give up alcohol.

i think if i was given some sort of magical, mystical opportunity to change one thing about my body, i would choose to be without a uterus.

whenever i can work up the motivation to go for a walk, it is a Good Thing. the mix of the fresh air, the solitude, the sunshine, the single focus, the exercise, and the fact i listen to my favourite songs on my ipod - it clears my head as well as making me feel physically better.

but working up the motivation to go for a walk is hard. not because i don’t enjoy it - because 9 times out of 10 i really do - but because there’s always something *fun* i could be doing, like playing computer games, or catching up on the websites i read, or watching a movie - something that doesn’t require moving. and while i enjoy going for a walk, i wouldn’t necessarily describe it as fun.

plus - and i can admit it - i am a Lazy Person.

something else i’ve always had trouble with is, for me, walking has always been about _getting somewhere_. never before in my life have i been interested in walking “just because” - it’s only the last couple of years that i have started doing this, and i think it’s got a bit to do with the fact that before moving to our current apartment building, i had to walk further / more often to get around, so i didn’t have to motivate myself especially to get a particular result.

so sometimes i still have to convince myself it is worth it and i will enjoy it, and not to listen to the very old voice inside my head that says it’s a waste of time.

but the best thing about geting out and going for walks is that i listen to my ipod. i hate walking anywhere by myself without listening to my music. it’s so boring.

for me, the best songs to listen to when going for a walk are ones that are musically upbeat / kinda fast, something that you can sort of walk in time with and be really moving. and it has to be something i can lose myself in, otherwise i start looking around and losing myself in random thoughts, like “i wonder how many people live there” and “i wonder if they have any dogs, or cats, or … oh is that a rabbit hutch? “. that is really distracting and then i start dawdling, which is no good for anything.

some of the songs i listen to, when walking:

In This Together - Apoptygma Berzerk
Shimmer - Fuel
Slide - Goo Goo Dolls
Like You Madly - Just Jinger
Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park
Bring The Noise - Public Enemy w/ Anthrax
Infest - Papa Roach
Timekiller - Project Pitchfork

title from Cesspools in Eden by Dead Kennedys

i think my diet’s going well. generally speaking.

i’m feeling much better, physically and mentally, and i think i’ve lost 7 kilos or so. [it's hard to know exactly, cos my weight fluctuates a lot, and i'm scared of not having lost enough (even though i keep reminding myself it's not about being skinny) so i don't weigh myself regularly enough].

but my most recently purchased pants are hanging off me, and i can get into clothes i couldn’t a couple of months ago, so that gives me confidence, and furthers my determination not to eat bad food cos i don’t want to be a fatty boombalatty.

saturday night, we had a friend come over for dinner and PS3. it was so much fun. i drank too much and spent sunday feeling a bit worse for wear. and we had desserts - between us we shared a baby cheesecake, a lemon crisp slice, a baby lemon and lime tart and a baby strawberry flan. so yummy!

but … now i’m craving sugar again.  i’m finding that’s a significant downside to partaking in the desserts - having to be that much stronger in the days thereafter. but i think it’s worth it sometimes, and it helps me feel like less of a retard if i can enjoy treats every now and then.

ooh, and you know what else makes dieting hard? having a cheesecake shop around the corner from where i work. the smell wafts around, and it’s just beautiful. but then again, more often these days,  i’m starting to appreciate smells without the overwhelming desire to have taste, so i’m pretty happy with that.

it is criminal how much chocolate people have given us since i swore off it. and because my husband is also eating so much better now, i can’t just palm it all off on to him. so … i’m ashamed to admit it … we’ve been throwing it out. well … my husband’s been throwing it out. i had trouble throwing out a Cadbury Creme Egg, let alone 6 Easter Rabbits, and 2 boxes of Lindt assorted.

one of the most confronting things i’ve experienced is listening to the excuses people make so they feel better about what they eat when it comes up in conversation that i’m dieting. it just reminds me of every single time i have listened to my “shoulder devil”, and eaten things i knew i shouldn’t. so i try not to talk about it unless i have to. particularly with family.

title from An All American National Sport by Carter USM