we’ve grown apart, you and i. its not your fault, you’ve done nothing wrong. but the cards have been laid out on the table, and you’re not holding the hand i thought you were, the hand i thought i had bluffed my way past beating. so its not right that i remain here. i don’t want to leave this place, and you know that. so you throw up last minute grenades to keep me here, knowing my attachment to the past, my attachment to all this history and all these people, will cloud my vision, and my path ahead. but there’s nothing really here for me anymore. you’re changing more with each passing day … as am i … and these changes are leading us further and further away from each other.

but you’re a good sort. you’ll find someone who can take care of you, nuture you, blossom in your presence. but i’m not that someone. i used to think i could be one day, that the lack of cohesion was my fault, my doing, but now i understand, sometimes these things are just not meant to be. so i’m going to go. you’ve had your warning. they keep telling me i’m not committed yet, i haven’t signed anything, but i am committed. i have made you a promise and i will see that fulfilled. somehow. you deserve someone who won’t hate you, someone who won’t talk about you behind your back with disgust and shame. and you know now as well as i do now, that i just can’t be that someone. you have 2 weeks. make them count. make them worth remembering. let me leave here on a happy note.

don’t let me leave thinking the last year was all for nothing.

grrr argh! i am teh infected! braaaaaaaaains!

so i went to the doctor, and she said i have a bad ear, nose, throat and chest infection(s). hooray! allow me to just cough up my bleeding lungs on your desk in response, doc. happily though, said doctor was pretty nice, so previous memories which randomly send me into the foetal position are now slowly but steadily being replaced by relatively pain-free ones. oh, and she said im lucky i went in when i did because my ear drum could’ve exploded! geez. anyway, so i have to have today and tomorrow off at least, maybe even the rest of the week if i don’t pick up soon.

and then .. i would miss our team building day of lawn bowls.

hmmm.

and really, i was attempting to leave lawn bowls until i got old you know. so there would be _something_ i hadn’t done. unlike when you turn 18 and everything you’re supposed to enjoy about turning 18 has already been done (except usually, your hsc) and so its not as fun. i didnt want getting old to be any less fun than its already going to be. but i guess now my whole life is ruined because i have to go and play lawn bowls on friday. pfft. unless i’m too sick.

hmmm.

i went into work this morning because i had to drop off some paperwork, and then when i went to leave, i felt like a big fat fraud. i always feel guilty about having time off. i mean, i know i’m sick, but its not like i’m on my deathbed you know. pfft. guilt complex much? pfft.

um, i think i’ll just play some city of heroes now.

i had two lunches today! bacon + tomato slop, and strawberries, peaches and cream … and they were both excellent. my first rehab day - i have been very naughty lately with all the carbs. its causing me severe craving issues. i could really go a friand right now. and i dont think all the sugar’s been helping my moods. i’m angsty enough as it is.

found out yesterday the men at work are just as human as other men!! perving on the girls in the office, commenting, pointing things out to the others - i was absolutely floored when i was told how bad they are. now of course i’m extremely self-conscious … i mean, old men just aren’t supposed to notice your boobs.

going to dinner tonight with the couple whose wedding i went to recently. haven’t spent a lot of time with people on their own since high school. should be interesting, hopefully fun. possibly the first time kurt and i have had a ‘dinner party’ exclusively with friends i brought to the relationship. will need to take tonight one step at a time methinks.

we have balders gate: dark alliance 2 (ps2). as such, we have been playing that for most of today. lots of fun. eventually we had to stop because my head hurts and kurt cant stand the whinging :) so i started the task of transfering old hard drive stuff to new hard drive stuff. i have far less stuff on my pc than i thought i did. but this drive i’ve only had for a few months, due to an unfortunate accident with my previous one, so its not too surprising i guess. and i managed to sort out my emails (exporting from outlook / importing into bloomba) so am all happy on this front.

getting very tired of people not pulling their weight at work. and even more tired of people “shooting the messenger” especially when its me. i dont give a shit if you don’t want to do your job usually, but when it reflects on me, and its my job to sort you out … oh well. what can you do? i mean sure i can give myself that ulcer my “executive” career is encouraging me to have, but i was thinking i might leave that until after i become the alcoholic, ego-driven, man-hating bitch i’m expected to become.

not sure what to make of things these days. time’s going so fast, there’s so much going on, and i’m enjoying the company of (certain) people more and more, while liking other people less and less.

mmmm cheesecake.

i know im sensitive. i know sometimes this makes it difficult for me, and for other people. but how do you think im going to react if you stand over me and shout me down? im just trying to do my damn job.