1) i have more trouble with my relationships with women than with men. i often find women difficult to relate to, understand and/or get along with.

2) i identify as a tomboy, but i am completely overwhelmingly paranoid about being too masculine.

3) i’m scared of losing weight because i’ve spent so much of my life hiding behind being a “fat chick”.

4) i don’t think that i will ever drive a car ever again. even driving after my big accident (the one where i could’ve killed myself and one of my friends), i was still too reckless, aggressive and easily distracted. i consider it luck more than anything that i didn’t have more accidents and that i never got badly hurt. i even fell asleep once driving on a major-ish highway. but i don’t consider not driving to be a sacrifice - i never enjoyed it anyway, just the freedom that it gave me. now i’m much happier just to catch a train - even if i’m late or uncomfortable - because i don’t worry about dying in a vehicular accident anywhere near as much as i used to.

5) i love being drunk. not so drunk that i’m ill, but just drunk enough that my head is swimming (but i usually don’t stop there). it doesn’t matter how much i regret it the next morning due to either having been inappropriate or just having a hangover, i will always wanna get drunk again another time. i have to stop myself from drinking so much because i really can’t afford it and i really don’t want to destroy my liver or my life.

sometimes when you tell people some things, they don’t say anything to anyone else, and its really great because you have a secret. sometimes though they say these things to other people, and then other people tell you, and you maybe start to wonder, not if this person’s really your friend, but if they’re really the person you thought they were, and if you can really trust this person with anything after all. but then you realise you’re being melodramatic, but you still can’t shake the feeling that you’ve been betrayed, if only just a little, because they told this thing which was important to you, so how much else have they told? or was that it? if it was, what prompted it to be the thing they passed on?

but you know that’s not all. you know you’ve been here before, time and time again. you know you open up to people too easily, too much. you know you get carried away in a good rant. so then really, can the other person be blamed? maybe you should know when to keep your mouth shut for once. because then no one could put you in this situation and you would feel more in control of the situation, because you would be for once, instead of always leaving the ball in someone else’s court, and being surprised when you lost out. but how do you stop yourself? you get so excited when people are listening to your stories. you’re so overwhelmed when people seem like they want to listen to what you have to say. and the whole time you know you’re pushing it. but you’re always really careful to not spill secrets … just so you can always just be one up? but no, because you really care. but then so do other people. you can’t measure how someone cares about you against the way you care about others. but you still try.

the thing is everyone you ever know will hurt you at some point. even people who care about you more than life. and they will probably all hurt you more than once. maybe they’ll even hurt you too many times to count on one hand. but you’ll always forgive them because you understand. why do you understand? because you’re exactly the same? because you don’t think you deserve any better? because that’s just the way people are? but you know this is different. this is being told, in whispers and in lies, that your secrets, your thoughts and feelings, are public domain. but why say it in the first place if you don’t want people to listen?